Anticipation of Conflict

It's all in my head!

6:30 am... Between rounds of petting a very affection-starved and demanding cat, I am assessing my frame of mind. I'm aggravated and anticipate conflict today. Part of me seeks it, but most of me knows that it is best avoided. My difficulty is in keeping my mouth shut, especially when people will be engaging me all day long.

I am (for another 10 hours or so) part of a non-profit group. What we do doesn't really matter, just that fact that I have decided to part ways with them does. It was very exciting in the beginning to be part of, but over the three years I have been a member, my frustration with the group has mounted. These are very talented and giving individuals, but the term organization fits them so loosely as to be laughable. There is no leadership, no direction, no forward momentum. I do not do well in situations like this.

Admittedly, the problem is mine. I need strong leadership. I need to be engaged with new challenges constantly. I need to feel that what I'm getting out of a situation is at least close to what I'm putting in. The problem is that I usually put in a whole lot right from the jump, and then realize that what I'm getting out simply doesn't compensate for the energy and time I'm expending. It is a pattern and I am aware of it. I simply lack the tools to change it. So, I deal with the fallout of my twisted psyche.

With a new job, going back to school, and Honey Bee and Little Man to take care of (along with the cats, of course,) I had to let something go. Or, that's just the excuse I'm using today to avoid telling them all how I really feel. There's just no point, and I know it. It won't change anything and It'll burn bridges. So, I need to smile, act frazzled, and offer the semi-valid excuses that I have laid before you. 

Sigh. I need to get my stuff packed into the car and head out to the meeting... Good Times... 6:47 am...