Death and Celebration

Celebrations of life, love, survival, prosperity and death.

6:36 am... The celebratory season is now upon us. Diwali filled the houses, streets and sky with colorful lights all across India and Southeast Asia yesterday. Halloween is now being celebrated in the US, UK and across Europe. Dia de Los Muertos, the Mexican holiday honoring the memories of those who have passed, follows on November 1st. Before long Thanksgiving and Hanukkah,  Christmas and Kwanzaa, Boxing day and dozens of other celebratory opportunities will be laid before us.

We revel in the joy of living for these next months, perhaps because (in the Northern hemisphere, at least) the days grow shorter, the harvests are being completed and the ominous oppression of winter looms over the horizon. There is nothing like the fear of death to give cause for celebration of life. Of course, you don't need a holiday to appreciate life. After all, death is always looming, waiting to strike. A fact which we often fail to appreciate. Why fear anything in life, when death waits for us all?

I'm not trying to be morbid. Just observing that our celebrations are so often about persistence and survival, and the joy that is to be found and appreciated in life. But our daily lives often lose this appreciation for what a wonder it is to simply be alive. How often do we hear of those who have near-death experiences and suddenly begin doing all of the things they've ever wanted to do? What was holding them back before? Fear? Fear of what exactly? Failure? Embarrassment? Death?

We all fall victim to it, don't we? Let's break the fear wide open this year. As you go about your holiday activities, remember that every day is a day to appreciate life, stare death in the face and laugh, and then go out and live the life you dream about... ghosts and goblins beware... 6:56 am...

When You Just Know

Future CEO... Oh no! Therapy NOW!!!

8:32 am... It's always interesting when a study comes out which verifies something that we basically already knew. I suppose there is some satisfaction in our intuition being confirmed. For instance, there was an astronomical study which determined that the universe had no preference for direction. Confirming that galaxies didn't all line up at particular angles or conform to any strange patterns which could not be explained by physics. Nice to know, and something that I had always presumed to be true.

This outcome, of course, is not always the case. For instance, we would have never guessed that most stars are binaries, or that the trilobyte beetle males have been so elusive because they simply look nothing at all like the females. So often, our intuition does fail us, because we base our assumptions on patterns and logic. Sometimes the logic is more complex than we understand, and the pattern has another level of detail which we haven't managed to uncover yet. Thus the need for science is so great.

Regardless, I stray far from my intended point this morning (Surprise!) as my desire was to actually comment on a recent study regarding CEOs. The study determined that more than 1 in 5 CEOs have strong psycho-/sociopathic tendencies. Well, that WAS a surprise... because my experience would have put that number at 4 in 5. But maybe I've just been lucky.

Their is a very feral aspect to most of the CEOs I have met. They're like humans who don't play human games anymore. Some are incredibly charming and friendly, warm and gracious, and don't in any way give a fuck about any of the people around them. They will lie, steal and undermine anyone and everyone to get the ends they're seeking. If Kant were alive to see the way business has eviscerated the morality of humanity, his head would likely explode. Everyone is a means to them, and the end is putting more and more money into their own pockets.

Don't fool yourselves, these psychopaths... They're the ones running things around here... 8:59 am...

Anticipation of Conflict

It's all in my head!

6:30 am... Between rounds of petting a very affection-starved and demanding cat, I am assessing my frame of mind. I'm aggravated and anticipate conflict today. Part of me seeks it, but most of me knows that it is best avoided. My difficulty is in keeping my mouth shut, especially when people will be engaging me all day long.

I am (for another 10 hours or so) part of a non-profit group. What we do doesn't really matter, just that fact that I have decided to part ways with them does. It was very exciting in the beginning to be part of, but over the three years I have been a member, my frustration with the group has mounted. These are very talented and giving individuals, but the term organization fits them so loosely as to be laughable. There is no leadership, no direction, no forward momentum. I do not do well in situations like this.

Admittedly, the problem is mine. I need strong leadership. I need to be engaged with new challenges constantly. I need to feel that what I'm getting out of a situation is at least close to what I'm putting in. The problem is that I usually put in a whole lot right from the jump, and then realize that what I'm getting out simply doesn't compensate for the energy and time I'm expending. It is a pattern and I am aware of it. I simply lack the tools to change it. So, I deal with the fallout of my twisted psyche.

With a new job, going back to school, and Honey Bee and Little Man to take care of (along with the cats, of course,) I had to let something go. Or, that's just the excuse I'm using today to avoid telling them all how I really feel. There's just no point, and I know it. It won't change anything and It'll burn bridges. So, I need to smile, act frazzled, and offer the semi-valid excuses that I have laid before you. 

Sigh. I need to get my stuff packed into the car and head out to the meeting... Good Times... 6:47 am...

Whispers from the Grave

Well down the path of the living.

6:51 am... Have you ever been out somewhere and you think you see someone you know? Perhaps you think it's an ex-coworker or a casual acquaintance that you lost touch with years ago? But it turns out that it isn't? Maybe they just looked kinda like them, or had some of their mannerisms? Even though it wasn't them, now that person is on your mind, so you start thinking about them. I'm fairly certain this happens to all of us from time to time.

Then there's the flip side of this event - when you haven't thought about a person in years, and then you find out that they died. Maybe it just happened, or maybe it happened years ago, but you just find out about it. It kinda freaks you out a little bit, maybe a lot. Even though you aren't really deeply connected with them, the fact that they have been removed from your reality causes shock waves in your mind. Again, we all experience this in our lives at some point.

But, there is another, not dissimilar, event which is an odd combination of the two. It has begun to happen to me recently, and has thrown me for a bit of a loop. I'm over 40 now, and with that achievement comes a certain heightened awareness of death. It is sometimes subtle, frequently pointed and nearly always uncomfortable. Let me describe this "event" which has sprung up in recent months. As with the first case above, I am going about my business and, for whatever reason, someone that I haven't seen in years pops into my head. Typically my first thought about that person would be "I wonder how they're doing." Pretty standard, right? Well, several times now my first thought has evolved into "I wonder if they're still alive?" Now, admittedly, the times that it has happened were when I was thinking of someone a good 20-30 years older than myself. But, it is disconcerting to feel death whispering in my ear these days... Stay safe, enjoy life... 7:04 am...

Civic Duty

We the People either speak or serve. The choice is ours.

"If ye love wealth greater than liberty, the tranquility of servitude greater than the animating contest for freedom, go home from us in peace. We seek not your counsel, nor your arms. Crouch down and lick the hand that feeds you. May your chains set lightly upon you; and may posterity forget that ye were our countrymen. – Samuel Adams

Whenever I find myself conflicted during election time, the quote above is one I use to guide my thoughts. Powerful, isn't it? The concept of liberty and the contest for freedom which surrounds it are incredibly fundamental to this country. So often we get caught up in the hot-button topics of the day, the spin, the circus act being put on for our benefit - and distraction - and we fail to consider what truly matters. I will almost never discuss politics in my blogs. And this one is no exception. I have no interest in telling you who or what to vote for, that's your job to figure out.

But I will be early voting today, as will many Texans. In fact, this election has already broken early voting records by a wide margin - pretty much everyone has already decided on a candidate, and most are just plain done with the nonsense and rhetoric. More than anything, what is on my mind is the need for people to be involved - and by "be involved" I don't just mean VOTE. Pay attention. Do some research. Don't just take in the drivel that the media feeds you, they've ALL got their own agenda to push. Figure out what your own agenda is... REALLY figure it out. I see too many people who simply adopt the popular or superficial causes and rallying points in a mindless, brain-washed manner. Spend FIVE hours doing actual research on the positions of the candidate and political parties, and you will be a thousand times more informed that the average citizen. Is that too much to ask?

Just voting party lines, or following your friends vote is NOT taking part in the political process. If you don't vote, or you vote without being informed, then YOU are to blame for what's wrong with this country, because you ARE in control of it... Pretending that you're not? Using the lame excuse that your vote doesn't count? Then please refer to Mr. Samuel Adams at the beginning of this blog for instructions... Skip ahead to the part that begins "Crouch down..." the first part does not apply to you... VOTE, BITCHES... 6:38 am...

Gridlock'd

Traffic got you down? Me, too!

6:28 am... Two days into my new job and it's time to comment on the traffic. Hooray! Austin, for all its charm, has been voted one of the worst places in the country for driving. The city has grown at such a rapid rate in the last fifteen years, that city planners have utterly failed to keep up. The main arteries, IH-35, Mopac (Loop 1) and U.S. 183 are hopelessly jammed up by around 7:00 am. 

This leaves the overflow scrambling through the city streets, in an attempt to avoid the backed-up highways. Which, of course, leads to thousands of people crammed into streets mean to support maybe a hundred or two at any given time. It's a joy to spend your morning with a group of angry, frustrated, rushed people, bumper-to-bumper, wondering if you're going to be late for work because some lawn service truck has broken down ahead of them and is taking up both lanes of traffic.

It is a ridiculous thing, this traffic. And we have no one to blame but ourselves. We have taken the desire for convenience, and have turned it into the most inconvenient scenario possible. People will argue that mass transit "sucks", so they have to have their car. But the reality is that mass transit sucks because the only people who use it are those who absolutely have to do so. Okay, there is a small percentage, I'd offer it's less than 15% of the total customer base, who use it because it's either greener, or just as convenient as driving. But the rest of the folks who use it are typically doing so because $100 for a monthly bus pass is way cheaper than a car payment, plus insurance, plus gas, plus maintenance.

The truth is, if we weren't so spoiled and addicted to having personal vehicles, we could have an awesome mass transit infrastructure. Perhaps one day, when self-driving cars are established and environmental concerns force us to "act or die" we will be done with this ridiculous traffic circus. I could expound on some ideas related to traffic solutions in a much longer post. But for now, I've got to head out the door and spend the next 30 minutes getting to my job... which is 9 miles away... That's right, my net speed is around 18 miles per hour, and I'm going cross-town... I'm not even fighting the primary traffic flow... Good times... 6:46 am...

Aaahhh... New Surroundings

New Job... New Place... New People

6:22 am... For me, starting a new job is a strange mix of anticipation and anxiety. I'm a total introvert, but over the years have trained myself to manifest extrovert mannerisms. I have no problem being introduced to 50 different people - who are now my coworkers - but walking into the lunch room where a dozen of them are gathered is a whole different story.

Everyone there is super cool. And there is a great amount of ethnic diversity, which is awesome to me. As a white person, I gotta tell you, a whole room full of white people, just isn't that interesting to me. I don't watch TV. I'm not interested in discussing politics or Christianity. And I'm not into sports. Which usually means that we have no points of common interest to drive a conversation. Maybe, if I'm lucky, there will be a gamer, an intellectual or a hip-hop aficionado in the crowd. Otherwise, I'm ready to hit the door pretty quickly.

But this place is cool. There are a bunch of Southeast Asians - mostly Vietnamese - who work on the assembly floor. Several Eastern Europeans (Russians, Ukrainians, ? Not certain,) are also sprinkled into the "typical Austin mix", which is 48% Mexican, 48% Caucasian, 2% African American, and about 2% Central/South American. Don't know exactly what my point is here, other than I was happy to see a lot of people not like me. Strangely, that actually alleviated some of my sense of introvercy.

Otherwise, it was a slow start. I have a computer, but no login has been issued by corporate yet. My boss has a million ideas for how I can help him... nearly all of which require access to the network and training on their systems... We'll get there in a day or two... It'll be fun... 6:43 am...

Getting it Done

Some days are all about making it happen.

5:59 am... Life has reached a point - delayed about 25 years maybe - when it's all about getting it done. This weekend was homework, Halloween, cooking and planning meals for the week. There are a few moments of downtime, when you just have to step away from your brain - for me that means Google+, Tumblr, or Fallout 4 or old episodes of NCIS. Anything to just stop the grind of "have to, have to, have to" from eating up your brain.

This morning is the first of many experiments. It is the start of my new job, so the routine we've fallen into has been necessarily adjusted. Instead of hitting snooze a few times, I got up at 5:04 am, took a shower, trimmed my beard and got mostly ready. 5:30 am... time to wake up Little Man. He was very cooperative today, and was out of bed after just a few minutes - a sign that he is well rested. Bonus! Lunch for Honey Bee and I had been packed the night before so I just had to heat up coffee, make up some bottles of cold water and get back to the shower in time to dry off Little Man. 

He showers with Mama, but gets ready in his own bathroom, with me acting as drying off assistance and chauffeur from one bathroom to the next. I used to help with brushing teeth and combing hair, but he likes to do it on his own now - with the levels of success varying day-to-day. Again, it was a pretty good morning, he had to be prompted and redirected a few times, but at no point was a fit thrown during the getting ready process. Double-Bonus!!

After a near-catastrophe with uncomfortable shoes, Honey Bee and Little Man have made their way out the door, down the stairs and are en route to work and school, respectively. I sit here, blogging (obviously,) sipping my coffee and listening to the cats chase each other about the apartment.  I'm thinking through my day... The new job doesn't concern me. There will be lots to learn, new people to meet and all of that - but the work is right up my alley. Plus, the nice thing about work is that it typically handles itself, there's just stuff to get done, so you do it...

After work, there's dinner to cook (we're having pancakes and bacon tonight - with link sausage for Little Man,) then we need to finish the Halloween costume, get some more math homework done, get lunch packed for tomorrow, and a dozen other things, I'm sure... I like it when life is full... 6:21 am...

OMG... Too Early on Saturday

Seriously?!?! Dafuq is going on here?!?!!?

6:42 am... Awoke this morning to Little Man scrambling into the room around 6:00 am. He had <microwave beeps... coffee retrieved... hot enough... return to blogging> crashed out on the way home from school yesterday, so is super-rested. On the other hand, Honey Bee and I had stayed up late working on his Halloween costume - Rocky from Paw Patrol. It's coming along well, but there's quite a bit of work left to be done before the big day... which is Friday for his school. It sucks waking up stressed on a Saturday. I need to meditate. <two sips of coffee... rub eyes... sigh>

The cats were running about mad-jacking last night, so they got locked out of the bedroom. This has become a regular occurrence in the last week. Perhaps the cold weather is making them rowdy, dunno. They are lovable devils, and have fallen into the routine of lounging on my desk as I blog each morning. <more coffee... is my brain starting to work yet... no... not quite> Masala is in her little blue cushy bed and Tyrion just jumped up and flopped on the random junk covering the surface before me - phone, stick eraser, ethic textbook. He doesn't really care what's there, he just flops down. He's the flopster (not to be confused with flobsters - which are flying lobsters.) We wonder if it's because of his short little Munchkin legs, or if it's just part of his personality. With cats it's hard to say. <coffee... coffee... coffee... damn, it's cooling already>

Anyway, truly a rambling post this morning. <more coffee> Honey Bee and Little Man are getting a shower now. We usually let him skip the shower on Saturday, but he has a haircut appointment today, so he is not being tortured mercilessly with warm water and soap... waterboarding at its finest. I'm coming slowly toward center now, breathing, typing with eyes closed, focusing on that one sunflower amongst the field of them. The early morning sun illuminates them behind me. I wonder what type of star it is, because the world of the sunflowers is clearly not our own. Is it a G2 like the sun? Probably, I don't know that I can inherently envision any other. Neither a harsher white F-star or a cooler red K-star work for my internal image. 

As terrestrial beings our perspective on the reality of the universe is so very limited. This is why AI is so scary to those who truly understand what it means to create a self-aware being. Regardless of how careful and attentive we are to its programming, we will truly have no idea what perspective it would see the world from. At least, not until we have time to observe and analyze, just as we would need to do with an alien life form... I've had enough of this rambling. And I'm sure you have, too... 7:03 am...

Tech Life

Is there a part of our lives NOT touched by tech?

6:25 am... I was the first person in my family to own a personal computer. Let that sink in for a moment... especially for those of you who are under 40 at this point. Of the 12,000 or so generations of humans who led up to my existence, none of them had ever, EVER had access to one before me. And I am part of the very last generation who spent at least part of their childhood without one.

I wanted to start with this thought because, it helps to explain my perspective on the ubiquitous nature of technology. I do question the value of it sometimes. Not in that Luddite "Let's smash all the computers and go back to the golden age of the 1940s (1840s?)" kind of a way. But, I do sometimes question the trade-offs that we make because of our reliance on constantly available computing power and uninterrupted internet connectivity. I see twenty-somethings who are brilliant people, but they cannot hold a face-to-face conversation, use anything close to good grammar, or even dress in anyway that resembles professional (or even tidy) attire. Does any of that actually matter? Good Question.

It makes me wonder how far we have climbed the technological ladder, and what will happen to us when the ladder crumbles. How long is the fall? Even in the European Dark Ages, when nearly everyone was illiterate, and disease and war were rampant, most folks at least knew how to farm or hunt - they could survive. I don't see that parallel today, and it concerns me sometimes. What do you think? Especially the younger folks who have always had the digital world at their fingertips. If it were just gone... What would the world look like? What would change in your life? Interesting road to wander down... 6:46 am...

Of Love and Depression

All we need is... therapy, medication... and acceptance.

6:31 am... The Beatles told us that we only needed love, and everything would fall into place from there. It's a nice thought. Unfortunately, the world, both internal and external, is much more complicated than that. 

Don't get me wrong love is an awesome thing. It moves mountains sometimes, and sometimes it just keeps you from drowning in your own emotional whirlpool. A headline today, which did not surprise me one bit, announced that half of mentally ill people in the United States do not get treatment. Yesterday, a headline indicated that 30% of those with depression are undiagnosed. I am certainly one of those people. 

Whether these are two headlines from the same study, I don't know, but it doesn't matter. What matters is that, as a culture, we ignore depression and other mental illness. Literally half of you reading this will struggle with depression, anxiety, ADHD, obsessive-compulsive disorder, or some other issue which makes your life harder. And, although help is available in many cases, like me, most of the rest of you just "deal with it" and go about your life. There are those who cannot function without help. The most important person in the world to me is one of those people. Sadly, it is almost a good thing that depression can be so extreme as to demand attention. Because then, at least, it actually gets some.

It's nearly impossible to miss a person in a wheelchair, or someone who has lost both arms. Those people are obviously  in need of care and assistance. But for a long time we simply labeled those with mental illness as "lazy" or "stupid" or "crazy". And despite having vastly improved our awareness and understanding of these afflictions, our culture still turns a blind eye more often than not. It may be because we can't see what's wrong, we don't know how to react to it. You can tell when a petite woman needs help getting a box from the top shelf in the grocery store. It requires a lot more attention to realize that the man next to her is thinking about killing himself.

I have neither the expertise, nor the bandwidth to provide guidance to the reader on how to improve this situation. But, I will offer this... Look to yourself. Consider the times when you find yourself on the emotional roller coaster of life, think about the difficulty you have concentrating, and pay attention to the cycles of problems you see your relationships going through. Be aware of you. Get help for you! If we each can learn to take better care of ourselves, then we'll be more able to help others when they need it.

Depression sucks KILLS.

Take care of yourselves... Take care of each other... 6:57 am...

Our Place in the Universe

Size really matters... in your head anyway!

6:33 am... There are times, for all of us I believe, where our size changes. Not in any physical way, but mentally, emotionally, we grow small or large. It is certainly a common enough occurrence that we have expressions which refer to this imagined size - "feeling small" and "big boss" and "looked down upon" are good examples. Even our mythology (and anime!) will often depict deities and other beings of great power as much larger than a normal human. Our size, both actual and perceived, is a huge part of our psychological makeup, as well as our social standing. We choose our friends, our mates and even our subordinates by their comparative stature. 

Don't believe me? Ever see a CEO over 6' 4" tall? Ever see him with his executive team? They are almost universally his height, or a few inches shorter. If you do see a shorter person on the team, that person has significant power. If they didn't really impress the tall CEO, they would never have made the team. There's even a film (whose name is buried in my memory at the moment) where they parody this concept by having the boss as a short person, surrounded by his staff of shorter executives. Somebody comment with the film name, please!

Another great example which can be witnessed all the time, is a short woman with a tall guy. These couples are everywhere. If you ask the women why they're attracted to taller men, often the reply is that they feel safe with a tall guy. It doesn't matter that the guy may be a rail-thin computer geek with the musculature of a 10 year old girl - he's tall. And guys get a subconscious boost to their protective instinct when their mate is physically less imposing than they are. It is rarely something we consciously consider, but it is part of how we view the world.

Even our scientific research into the workings of the universe is a search for what our perspective should be. We can peer down into the subatomic particles close to one quintillionth of a meter - that's a one followed by 18 zeros. And we peer up at galaxies that are a quintillion times larger than a meter. Leaving us exactly in the center, neither tiny nor immense as far as we can tell... just in the middle somewhere. This may not be the actual reality of the universe, but it is where we find ourselves at the moment.

So how big of a person are you? How do you match up to the rest of the world? The answer? You are as big as you perceive yourself to be. Go out today and be big. Life is too short for anything else. 7:01 am...

When Caring Counts

What really matters?

5:59 am... I'm tired, and grouchy. And I'm sitting here in the silent darkness, casting about in my mind for a blog subject. Wait... Did I say silent because that's not accurate. My little cat Masala is at my feet mewing for attention. She's quite the talker and, if hungry or in need of pettings, is not shy about letting me know. It can be very endearing, and incredibly aggravating.

My brain pauses for a second, balanced on the point between angrily shooing her away and just giving in and petting her. If I reject her and shoo her away, what result? She will not understand my anger, and by dismissing her needs I lessen our relationship. The gain? A minute or two of peace to get my blog started right now, instead of a moment from now. Here is the point where right thought and right action either rise up to lead you down the noble path, or aggravation and anger lead you toward darkness. 

This morning I chose the noble path, and now Masala (and her brother Tyrion) are both contentedly resting on my desk, in their designated places. Once I allowed the aggravation to pass through me, I was able to embrace the joy of being tender and kind to her. She only needed a few moments of my time. Now she is feeling loved and at peace. Despite what the tired and angry part of my mind was telling me, the few moments delay to my blogging caused no harm to anyone.

The Dead Kennedy's offered to us "Give Me Convenience or Give Me Death" as a motto for our style of life here in America. While the band's music was only of passing interest to me, the phrase planted barbs in my brain. Convenience is the ultimate self-centered concept. We destroy our world for it. Ubiquitous motor vehicles, plastic drink bottles, fast-food restaurants - the signs that having what we want, when we want it is the single most important thing to us are everywhere, and fuck the consequences of our actions.

It wasn't convenient for me to interrupt my morning. Giving five minutes of affection to a creature whom I am wholly responsible for taking care of, was almost too much for me to bother with today. Sometimes, when we are truly right thinking, the hierarchy of importance finds itself upside down, and we examine life from the bottom up. This, I think, is good to do on a regular basis. After all, are you sure that the direction you consider up is the right one? Take a second look at what's important, even take a third look. You may be surprised... 6:23 am... 

My Worried Mind

Be concerned... not afraid...

6:21 am... Fear. We struggle against it constantly, so much so that our awareness of the struggle itself dims. Fear of being late to work, fear of doing poorly on a test, fear of not being loved - just a few of the ghosts which haunt my thoughts. Sometimes a fear of something is so constant and persistent that it has to be knocked into focus for us even to acknowledge it. Here's a big one... Fear of spending the next ten years of my life trying to be a professional writer, and utterly failing at it. That's something scary for me.

Some people are just terribly afraid, you can tell by the way they talk. How often do you actually say the "afraid" on a daily basis? I had a boss who used the word all the time, even after I pointed out the negative impact of it. His fear showed in his every action, it was sad. Studies have shown that the words you use have a huge impact on your emotional state. Individuals who use the word "concerned" or even "worried" exhibit much less hesitancy toward committing an action than those who say they are "afraid" of the outcome. Changing the way you voice your emotions can actually change the emotions themselves... That's one tool to keep handy, especially when you are "concerned" about something.

Little Man has always been afraid of some things - the dark, being alone, strange sounds - pretty typical stuff for a toddler, especially once their imagination begins to flourish. But recently everything which he doesn't like - picking out clothes in the morning, taking the same medicine we take every day - is now "scary" to him. The logical part of my brain understands that he is beginning to separate out his emotions, and simply doesn't have the vocabulary to describe the actual emotion taking control at that point in time. But the emotional part is me is concerned about the grip of fear which has taken hold of him, and wonders what to do about it... Parenting can be tough... But this too shall pass... 6:40 am...

Guilt Consumes Me

Oh dear!

7:27 am... Oh, the guilt! It's killing me. Well, maybe not killing me, but it hurts. Okay, guilt might be too strong of a word - concern perhaps. No... It's kinda like concern, but it just last for like a half-second, maybe less. Oh, maybe I'm just thinking of awareness. Yes! I am aware that I failed to blog yesterday morning! And there was a moment where I felt something akin to mild guilt at disappointing the half-dozen people who might actually read this blog. I doubt they're the same people, and they certainly never comment or +1 or anything. But I'm certain they were very disappointed. And for that I apologize... especially after such a sleep-deprived downer of a rant on Friday morning.

It's okay! I'm here, alive and kicking - and blogging. And not feeling guilty, really. Guilt is something I have worked hard to release from my shoulders over the years. I do feel guilty about some things - cheating on my ex-wife (and ultimately leaving her,) the times when I don't control my anger quite like I should, when I eat crap that's bad for me (which is all the time,) and when I accidentally step on a cat (despite their dumb asses being underfoot constantly.) But, other than that, I try to keep the whole guilt thing to a minimum.

Yesterday was a make-up day in the sleep realm. Little man is at his (biological) father's this weekend, so Honey Bee and I took advantage and slept until around 9:00 am. It was grand! I actually woke up feeling refreshed for once, and had the inspiration to finish the third post on my other blog, MeaningWhatExactly? So, I jumped into that first thing, completely forgetting about poor little Morning Thoughts. But do not fear, my half-dozen readers! I shall not abandon you to the darkness ever again. Hopefully. Maybe. Well, I'll try not to do it too often. Occasionally-ish perhaps? Jesus! What are y'all whining about? There's TONS of shit almost as good out there... Read the New York Times for Christ's sake... 7:46 am...

Getting It All Done

This feels about right today.

6:21 am... It never happens. You never finish wiping off the kitchen counter. look around and say "Sweet, there's nothing left that needs to be done." Sometimes, if you're a list person like me, you do manage to cross the last thing off of a list. The problem is that there is always another list.

Most will just shrug their shoulders and say, "Yep, that's how it is" and then go about their never-completed tasks without another thought. Heck, that's what I do most of the time, too. But there are days when the struggle catches up with you, or someone close to you, and you can't help but wonder what the hell it is that we're tying to achieve. What's so damn important that we can't just stop for a day or two and catch our breath? Why do we find ourselves running on the hamster wheel of life? What end justifies it for us?

I'm asking the question, because I really don't have the answer. Don't get me wrong, I have answers. I just don't have The Answer. Maybe somebody does, and maybe they'll read this and reply with It, and the stars will align, and I'll march cheerfully through the rest of my life without questioning. That would be sweet. Right? For now, just plain answers will need to suffice. The short version of the answers is that we are motivated by both internal and external factors. The expectations placed on us by our culture play a big role. If our job is to hunt for food to nourish our family for the day, then once the hunting is complete we can relax and do something enjoyable. If the culture demands that we constantly work to keep our heads above water, swimming in a system which, by design, demands continuous output of services or goods deemed valuable, in order to keep from drowning. Well, then that's what we do. It's simple really.

Oh, yeah. What about those internal motivations? You remember. The voices that say "Write something fun" and "Go down to the park and enjoy the cool Autumn weather." We have to pay attention to those, too. Whenever we have time for them. Whenever we don't just fall into an exhausted heap at the end of the day, knowing that five or six hours from now the alarm goes off and the whole sordid circus begins anew. Yeah, those things, they're important... Happy Friday... Enjoy the lazy kitty pic... 6:40 am...

Differences and Judgment

Enhancing beauty? Or destroying it?

6:23 am... One of the things I actively do on a daily basis is reserve judgment. I'm an old guy now - at the ripe age of 43, and there is a judgement trap that old guys fall into quite a bit. I attempt to step around it each time I find it laid before me. Generational differences can be small, or quite profound, but either way I was taught that you don't judge people by how different they are from you. You judge people by how they treat you. And you treat people with respect and courtesy, unless their actions give you cause to do otherwise.

There are things that older people do that I dislike, and there are things about the younger generations which also do not agree with or appeal to me. And there are plenty of things about my own generation that I would love to change, too. For example, we are the ones who decided that it was okay for grown men to walk around wearing baseball caps... all the time. My opinion? If you're not playing baseball, and you're over ten years old, then you shouldn't be wearing one. Period. But a great many do, and such is their right. It's also my right to disagree, but not to judge. Sometimes, hell, often it is hard to refrain from that judgment.

With younger folks, the piercing and the tattoos really disappoint me. One or two tattoos, if done by a good artist, I'm okay with. On the other hand, there are tons of women who were super beautiful, until they covered themselves with a bunch of shit... pardon my French! The same goes for men. Men think they are proving themselves tough or cool by getting tattoos, but to me, just like the baseball caps, they're just proving that they're still children, writing on themselves with markers like they did when they were four years old. But, like I said before, those are my opinions, but they're not on my body, so it's not my decisions to make. When I meet someone with tattoos (and don't get me started on piercings, they're just hideous,) I usually emit a mental "Damn, that's a shame" and proceed to treat them just like I would if they didn't have them. Do I judge? I suppose that I do. But, I don't change how I treat someone, unless their actions warrant it.

White, Latino, Black, Asian, Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Gen X, Boomer, Millennial, CIS, Trans, Intersex, Gay, Straight, Bi... we can divide ourselves into a billion categories, and sometimes doing so helps others identify with your perspective. But remember this, NEVER FORGET THIS, your perspective is unique and important and it matters. But it's not better. Treat people right, even if you don't like some of the things they do, or say, or believe, because we can all be judged and all of us will be found wanting... 6:50am...

The Art of Patience

What to do when patience runs out?

6:24 am... It has been said that patience is a virtue, and as the parent of a going-on-five year old, I see that so very clearly now. Kids can be amazing, intuitive, hilarious, loving, brilliant, and unbelievably frustrating. When they're super tired and cranky because it's before 6:00 am, but they've got to get ready for school, being patient can be incredibly challenging. Often we know the path to soothing our child, but all of our efforts fall short. And sometimes, we just fail. Our ability to find patience is undermined, and there is suffering because of it.

Suffering, of course, is relative and it comes in a wide variety of flavors. Sometimes it comes in the form of being denied what we want. Sometimes it is physical trauma. Sometimes it is simply not understanding why things are happening, or why things have to be a certain way. Regardless, none of us likes to suffer, and none of us likes to see our child in a state of suffering either. But the reality is that we do not live in a world which allows us to cater to our needs and wants as they arise. The clock is always ticking, things need to be done and done on the schedule laid out before us. If you're tired, I'm sorry... But brushing teeth and getting dressed and combing hair are part of the routine which needs to be completed every morning. School starts at a certain time. Work starts at a certain time. Us being tired doesn't alter the schedule.

Explaining this to a child can, quite frankly, be impossible. They may understand the words. They may even tell you that they understand when you take the time to explain it to them. But that doesn't mean that they can translate those words into coherent action or alter their behavior in order to meet the demands of the world. And, as irony plays a frequent and antagonistic role in the play we call life, the times when you most desperately need your child to understand this, are the times when you simply cannot stop to help them understand. "We're in a hurry this morning, so I need to help you get ready, okay?" But I wanna do it myself! "I know, but we're running late and if I don't help you it will take too long." I wanna do it MYSELF!!!

It's about here where the delicate boundary of patience is met with the pointed stick of necessity. Do you walk away and let them get ready, while you call your boss to tell them you're going to be late? Do you pull them close, calm them, try to explain it until they understand? Or at least acquiesce? (Again, resulting in you being late for work.) Or do you march them through the morning routine, with them wailing and you gnashing your teeth? Some days you choose better than others... 6:54 am...

Time Well Spent

Are you wasting time right now? Really??

6:22 am... Coffee dripping through the filter. The living room is dark and quite, except for the hum of the computer and the gentle tapping of the keys beneath my fingers. I stop briefly to add more water to the coffee and then return to my thought for the morning. How does one gauge time well spent?

Inevitably we take on obligations in our lives. Be they work, school, children, bills, family or friendships, there are  things which demand our time. Depending on your outlook and your moral philosophy, the certainty of these commitments can vary. After all, there are people in this world who have children, but do not see them or support them, ignoring what most of us would consider a very serious and fundamental obligation. But, in the end, it is their choice.

Refraining from dwelling on the heavy social responsibility end of the scale, consider how you spend your typical workday. For myself, being currently unemployed, I search for jobs online, send out some resumes, blog, entertain the cats, clean up around the house, go food shopping, play Fallout 4, watch YouTube videos, do school work, make (and drink) coffee, prepare and eat meals, and likely some other miscellaneous tasks get sprinkled in depending on the day and the need. In the evenings, I spend time with Little Man, go to class, cook dinner, clean up the kitchen, blog some more and, if the stars align properly, get to spend some time snuggling with Honey Bee before sleep overtakes us.

Can you point out some foolish choices from my list? Watching videos and playing games jump out at once for me. Do they do the same for you? What about television? How many of you spend several hours a day in front of the boob tube? What are you watching? Sports? Sitcoms? Serious News? Does that even exist anymore? Oh, maybe documentaries!?!? Could you do something better with your time? Perhaps take a side job, or make things to sell on Etsy? We can always use more money. Right? I mean, money lubricates our lives. The more we have the easier everything seems to flow. Does it seem that way to you?

I do have a little guilt after spending a mindless hour gaming or watching the latest Neil deGrasse Tyson videos. But should I? The majority of my time is spent trying to find life's Holy Grail - financial stability. And sometimes I just get tired of it. Sometimes, I just need to kill some Super Mutants or assist another FREAKIN' SETTLEMENT that needs my help. (Thanks Preston!) I could cut this out of my schedule though, I definitely could. There is always another hour that can be spent looking through jobs I'm either over- or under-qualified for. Sure, I could do that.

But you know what? I need to help those settlements, just as much as Preston needs me to. There's something to the old saying, "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." Dull and drained and depressed... that's not a Jack who is up to meeting his obligations. Have a little fun, blow off steam, let go of the stress. It's important. Be aware of wasted time, especially in excess, but make sure you take time to enjoy each and every day. Your dying thought is not going to be "I wish I had stressed more over things." I promise... 6:52 am...

That little brown bean

5:58am... I'm addicted to coffee. I'm drinking some right now, out of a 2 cup Pyrex measuring cup... Don't ask. Don't shame me. Please. There's really no question about it. I mean, there are some days when I don't have it, but they are VERY rare, and usually involve me being sick. Now, it may not be a physical addiction, I'm fairly certain research shows that isn't possible. But, I am definitely mentally hooked. As I wake, I try to recall whether there is some left from yesterday, or if I have to make fresh. Sometimes the answer is both. On those days I microwave the half-cup remaining in the bottom of the Chemex beaker and drink it while I'm grinding the beans and hand-brewing the fresh pot for the day. There is a sick and twisted sense of ritual to it... Getting my fix.

I find it ironic sometimes, because my parents both drank coffee (and smoked cigarettes) incessantly. Therefore, I adhered to an unspoken vow to avoid both from a very young age. And now look at me. I've managed to avoid the cigarettes, for the most part. But the coffee has made me its slave. How did this happen? Well, there was this girl... I was 30, and she was 18. But she was bizarrely worldly in ways that I was not. At the time I smoked massive amounts of weed, drank alcohol occasionally and worked a dead-end job. Life was good. Between myself and my roommates, paying rent was easy and there was a decent amount of expendable income to go around. If I stayed up too late on the night before, then I'd just wake-and-bake and be off to work... No worries.

That all changed once we started dating. Suddenly my time was at a premium and my expendable income was... well... expended. She loved coffee and cigarettes. I fell into the trap, mostly just with the coffee though. Weed was tasty and green, but cigarettes were just nasty. We lived together for just over a year. As my affection for her waned, my addiction to coffee was growing more and more fierce. Then the strange thing she and I had was over. But, oh, the love for the coffee still remained.

I had liked the girl, for a little while, but I am in love with the bitter brown bean she introduced me to those many years ago. After all, I spend my time on many mornings grinding the locally roasted beans (Anderson's Coffee rocks!!!) and standing over the steaming bloom ensuring that the water is added delicately and consistently to the heady mix. I mean, if I just liked coffee, but loved convenience, then I'd have one of those terrible pod machines spit out a mug full of sludge for me in 20 seconds. That's not the kind of relationship we're talking about here. This is about love and patience and taking your time to enjoy the process.

Sometimes I want it raw and dark and bitter... sometimes sweet, creamy and easy fits the bill... but one thing is always important... CAFFEINE, I NEED THE DAMN CAFFEINE SO I CAN THINK CLEARLY, AND FUNCTION. You dirty, dirty bean... I love you... 6:41 am...

Sunday Love

7:51am... As you have deduced by now, this blog is not dedicated to serious issues. Politics, social problems, ethical dilemmas and the like have a home in one of my other blogs - Meaning What Exactly? This blog is exactly what the title implies, my daily morning exercise in writing. There is no plan for the mornings. If anything, I consider as I'm falling asleep what I could blog about when I wake, but more often than not, something else escapes my fingers come morning. My attempt is to make it brief, entertaining and insightful. A tiny glimpse into my life and mind, a quick and quirky escape from the maddening world we all share.

One of many symbols of love

Staring at my desktop screen, red background dominated by a large pink heart, which is itself decorated by a white wavy squiggle (see picture,) moves me to thoughts about love and relationships. Little Man was using my computer yesterday, because his tabled ran out of juice and I had some reading to do anyway. He found the Windows Paint program, which he loved to use when he was younger. He was ecstatic. The next hour was filled with shapes and color combinations, all of which he shared with me - searching for comments and praise. 

At some point he realized that his creations could be used as desktop wallpaper, so he asked me how to do it. I showed him, and after about the second time he could do it himself... (insert 20 minute break from blogging to make Little Man some frozen waffles for breakfast) ...So, the next half hour was spent creating a piece of art, then setting as his background, and then calling me to make sure that I witnessed it in all its glory. It was fun. At the end, he asked if he could log in under my account, so that he could make a background for me. I agreed and the image you see above is the result. Without any words at all, he conveyed his love for me. It is a thing to be cherished.

There are so many times in life when we are oblivious to these small joys, these unspoken interjections of love. When someone holds the door for you, cooks you a meal, offers kind words, or connects with you just to see if you're doing okay, these are all acts of love. They don't have to do any of these things, but they choose to. Why? Because you matter to them, that's why. Signs that you are cared for do not have to be as overt as the big pink heart, or the words "I Love You." And often, giving love is in the act of not doing, When someone acts like a dork and you let it slide, or when a child aggravates you, but you suppress the feeling and handle the situation with a smile, those too are acts of love.

Consider the love you've been oblivious to as you spend time with family, friends, and even pets. Consider the love that you give to others. It takes so little effort to convey these things, and we so often do it automatically. What would happen if you were more aware of it? Would you actively give more love? Do you think you would feel more loved? Is there any harm in trying?  8:33am...

The Joy of Waking

7:18 am... Aaaah... Saturday! Instead of waking up to a buzzing alarm, we were greeted by Little Man stumbling into the room and slumping against the bed. He gave Honey Bee a hug and immediately said "Can I play with my tablet now?" That was about 25 minutes ago, which is right on time. I he sleeps past 7 am, it usually means that he's sick.

So now the coffee is slowly trickling through the Chemex filter and sumptuous, steamy, aromatic liquid is pulsing in waves in front of me. Taunting me. I need my fix. Meanwhile, a woman narrates some fan fiction My Little Pony adventure behind me. I'm sure there are figurines involved and an incredibly low production value, but Little Man is smiling and laughing at it, so good. The cats are running about, thoroughly enjoying the cardboard box sitting by the front door. We always let new boxes hang around the place for a few days, because they do enjoy them so very much, and entertain us with their antics to boot.

Honey Bee has begged off getting out of bed at this point, wanting another hour before she dives into more Algebra homework. I do my best to give her these rare opportunities to rest - she runs herself ragged during the week, poor thing. Of course, I currently have the very mixed blessing of being unemployed. It gives me time to blog, homework for my classes gets done easily, and the cooking and cleaning can actually get done with some regularity and forethought. Unfortunately, it also means that we have very little money, despite taking early withdrawals from my 401k - which is running out fast.

But those are not worries for today. It is finally autumn. Little Man is very excited about Halloween, since every day is Halloween in October. He is going to be Rocky from Paw Patrol. We have managed to gather all of the core components for his outfit, but still need to get it put together. There is time. It is so much more enjoyable (for me anyway) to actually put together a costume. The store-bought kind are usually flimsy and uninspired. Plus, they are super expensive and typically don't survive the trick-or-treating adventure intact enough to use again.

The coffee is nearly brewed, and Little Man is demanding waffles with increased intensity, so I'd better wrap up this post with some haste. It is time to enjoy the day, get some writing done, contemplate the future and be thankful for what we have, instead of worrying about what we're lacking.

Enjoy the day, friends. You have worked for it all week long, be sure to make the best of it. Life is short. Time to enjoy it is even shorter.

Seize the day... 7:38 am...

Finding Joy

6:16am... Finding joy can sometimes be a challenge. Our lives are so very hectic. We find ourselves ruled by a continuous stream of information pouring in from all directions and rush to and fro in an attempt to placate the ever-ticking clock. I often wonder if it has to be this way. Do the benefits of living in modern society come with this price tag? Or is there some middle-man retailer who is deliberately marking up the price and profiting by our madcap scrambling about?

It's a good question for us to mull over now and then. Don't you think? Most of us have pondered, at one time or another, living life in a bygone era. Some of us have even pined for it. Perhaps herding sheep and raising a few crops back when life was nasty and short, but simple and somehow romantic to our overloaded brains. But if we really think about it, we'd never go back. As Mill famously said, it is "better to be Socrates dissatisfied than a fool satisfied." First of all, about half of us would be dead already, from some disease or infection that modern medicine protects us from. Or, perhaps, from a wild animal that challenged us for our precious food and won. The rest of us would be eking out a subsistence living on some patch of dirt, or working in filthy conditions in the town where we grew up.

To paraphrase Dave Chapelle, Ignorance is not bliss, but sometimes it wears bliss' uniform. (For those who don't get the reference, please click here... BUT, this is not work friendly, nor kid friendly... Funny though!!!) The point being, that we want life to be simpler or easier or less hectic, but we don't want it to be less modern. Just think about going back to having to find a phone which is attached to a wall in order to contact someone. Or crunching data on paper for goodness sake! Let's just not go there people... it's not worth it.

So, here's my point, finally... sometimes life is frustrating and when that happens we tend to look for joy in the distance. That's the wrong place. Look for joy at your feet, at your fingertips, in your mind. Several times a day, just take a breath and appreciate your new shoes, an old song you love, the clouds in the sky, or the cool autumn air. Remember that 99% of the people who have EVER lived would look at our lives and go "Wow!! You've got it made!!!"

Life is hard enough, without us making it worse in our minds... Take time to find some tiny pockets of joy today... Hey, even hand a few out to those around you... it's Friday, after all... 6:49 am... 

All About the Science!!

6:19 am... Nobel prizes are being awarded for 2016, an event which always draws my interest. Which I think is really the point of the award. The money, of course, is super helpful to the researchers, allowing them a little financial breathing room for a while. But bringing attention to the scientific work being done in a wide array of fields is so very important to the advancement of science.

And, let's be clear... I am TOTALLY biased on this matter. I have been a science geek my entire life, along with being a gamer geek, writer geek, fantasy geek, and more. Science is my religion. I worship at the temple of reasoning and critical thinking (and occasionally make a blood sacrifice to Cthulhu.) The pursuit of knowledge extends to mankind an aspect of nobility which nearly excuses its many less savory features.

Of course, it is often difficult to fully understand what the award recipients have accomplished. The subjects of the research are frequently quite detailed and specific, and their implications and impact can be obfuscated by technical jargon, at least for us laypeople. Therein lies the beauty of the award, and the justified admiration for the committees who put so much effort into identifying worthy recipients.  Committee researchers must not only have a reasonable understanding of what has been accomplished, but must also be able to measure or extrapolate the potential impact of the research.

As an example, the three gentlemen who received the prize in physics actually completed the majority of the work being recognized in the 1970's and 1980's. Their work with exotic states of matter opened up an entire field of science which has led to many discoveries about how matter works at the quantum level. The prize for chemistry has a similar story, with the majority of the work completed 15-20 years ago, but significantly impacting the generations of researchers which followed. 

 While every one of us contributes to society in some way, the advancement of our understanding of the world is critical to any coherent sense of progress. Political philosophies will wrestle with each other for millennia, and continue to fail in so many ways. Religion will distract us from the world around us with promises of joy and threats of punishment. Business will manipulate us, steal from us and make the scoundrels rich. But science, science will cure diseases, send us to distant worlds, increase our capacity to understand our place in the world, and inspire us to greater and greater heights... 6:54 am...

Children's Games

6:19am... Running late this morning, at least Honey Bee is... she just hurried out the door, prodding Little Man along as he was trying to watch YouTube videos on his tablet. Mornings are a challenge around here.

The day starts around 4:52 am, when my jerk of an internal clock wakes me up to tell me that my alarm will be going off in about eight minutes. Kind of a crappy thing to do to a person, but that's the kind of relationship we have with each other. After ten minutes of snoozing and cuddling with my sweetheart, we force ourselves out of bed. I head to the kitchen to get lunches packed, and coffee made, while she brushes out her hair (which is quite long,) and gets ready to shower.

Then I head into Little Man's room and begin the laborious process of rousing him from bed. He's staring down the barrel of being five years old - his birthday is in mid-November. It is tough to get a four year-old up when they aren't ready, without pissing them off. I'm sure that some of you can sympathize. And I'd like to think that after the last eight months of preschool, I have managed to acquire a few decent approaches. However, let's be honest. The tricks up my sleeve simply move the needle from practically impossible to minimally probable.

But it gets done, every weekday, every week, until he's ready for public school, and we buy ourselves... maybe an extra hour of sleep, if we're lucky. For the moment, he eventually rises and shuffles into our bathroom to potty and jump into the shower with Mama. This buys me about another ten minutes, usually enough time to get some coffee made and guzzle a few scalding gulps down before he's rinsed off and headed back my way.

We have this after-shower ritual, which I love, because some day's the mornings are the only time I get to see him. I dry him off after he steps out of the shower, wrapping one towel around him and using a second one to dry his hair, face, and all the spots the wraparound towel doesn't easily reach. Then we head into his bathroom to comb hair, brush teeth and tend to any "owies" that he might have - anything from bug bites to rashes to blisters from his new shoes rubbing his tender feet. Usually, there is a game of "where did he go?" in between the shower and the morning preparations. This game involves him hiding, either under the blankets of our bed, or under his wraparound towel, while I pretend that he has vanished and wonder aloud what I am going to do. Then I start to "notice" odd things about the towel/blanket, and eventually am surprised to find him concealed therein.

It is the highlight of many mornings, and someday soon he will decide that it's a silly game. Then we won't play it anymore. Some mornings thoughts are bittersweet... 6:45am...